SEXPLAY and sensate focus are the building blocks to develop a good sexual relationship and rescue one which has fallen into the doldrums. They are the fundamentals of much work done by sex therapists.
There are lots of ways to make sexplay exciting and satisfying but it’s not all about bedroom technique - you can’t expect to share a successful sexual relationship unless the rest of your relationship is a good one.
Sex isn’t a hobby like crafting or badminton which you can enjoy in your spare time regardless of how the rest of your life is going. It’s part and parcel of your relationship, so if you know that is full of grouses and resentments, they’re going to have to be sorted out if you two are ever going to please each other fully in bed.
Communication is a crucial element for a happy relationship, in and out of bed. Assuming that you and your partner are making love in a very real sense of the word, then you should both feel free to tell one another what feels good, what turns you on.
There are no firm do’s and don’ts in sex. Nothing is abnormal or perverted between a loving couple, as long as both enjoy it and neither is hurt, either physically or emotionally.
If you’re not sure what your partner would enjoy, ask. Being in love doesn’t mean you can be a mind-reader. However, it can often help to imagine yourself in the other person’s body and think what you would enjoy now. You’ll probably be right!
Try not to approach love-making like a football match, when the winning goal is all. Think of it more like a leisurely swim in warm seas, when every stroke is a pleasure and an aim in itself.
First of all, you want to bring your partner’s body alive all over. You may well like to start with kissing, but do not feel that you must move straight on to the obviously sexual areas. Caress arms, back, legs, experimenting with firm, smooth strokes and light, finger-tip, feathery movements. Kiss face, mouth, ears, neck.
When both of you feel that your skin is alive all over, you can move on to the more obviously sexual areas of stimulation. Again vary your kisses and caresses.
Men’s sexuality is centered rather more definitely in their penis and the man can let his partner know when this is what he is ready for. A woman shouldn’t feel insulted or anxious because her partner isn’t erect from the first moment. He can still feel very sexy and will appreciate her loving caresses all the more.
The man can show his partner and tell her what holds, caresses and rhythms feel best, though you may need to be careful that he doesn’t climax before you are both ready for it.
The part of women’s anatomy which brings most of them the most pleasure is the clitoris. If you’re not sure where it is, then do get a good book with diagrams.
It is very, very sensitive. Some women find direct stimulation quickly makes them feel sore. It helps if a woman has explored her own sexuality and knows what caresses feel good.
You must be ready to experiment. Oral sex may be immensely pleasurable for you both, as long as you both enjoy giving and receiving it.
Don’t be afraid to talk to one another while you make love. You have got to communicate to let one another know how you feel and what is good. Don’t expect to read one another’s thoughts. Sex can be magical but it can’t achieve miracles of mind-reading.
Some men and women are turned on by using the basic four-letter words during sex. There’s nothing wrong in that as long as you both enjoy it.
The menu of what you can sample is as long as you both want to make it. A fairly inexperienced couple may find that this build-up to intercourse itself takes half an hour before the woman, especially, feels quite ready.
More experienced couples may cut this time down - if they want to. If the man finds he’s so excited that he climaxes very early on in the proceedings, the loving and caressing can continue until he reaches a second erection, and this time he will probably find that he can last longer. Don’t panic if the second erection takes some time to arrive. Some men will get another erection more quickly than others.
It really can help love-making stay exciting and pleasurable to remember that it doesn’t always - or ever - have to end in intercourse. Couples can give each other tremendous satisfaction with other caresses of fingers or tongues if they want to.
Such variety can stop sex seeming predictable, and stop you feeling pressured by the expectation that every time you start showing physical affection it must end with intercourse.
Only a minority of women usually reach orgasm during intercourse - most of those who climax do so as a result of other stimulation. For them intercourse should naturally be just a part of sexplay, not the be-all and end-all. Some women and a few men never climax at all, but still enjoy making love.
All that ever matters is that each partner enjoys the shared physical experience without feeling pressured to fit in with some norm of what is thought to be successful sex.
If your partner consistently maintains that nothing feels right, then don’t assume this necessarily means your technique is at fault.
If you know you haven’t hurried, have been willing to listen to your partner and tried to respond, then the problem almost certainly lies in their inhibitions. For some reason, anxiety is cutting them off from their sexual responsiveness.
Common reasons for that are a repressive upbringing or bad early experiences. It may be resolved if you have patience and can persuade them to confide in you, but such difficulties often need expert help really to be sorted out. In that case, contact Relate (0300 100 1234, www.relate.org.uk).
Sensate focus exercises
Sex therapists usually set couples they are treating the homework of doing “sensate focus exercises” together to help resolve a whole range of sexual problems and you can try these for yourself at home now.
They are rather like a course of petting or foreplay specially designed to relieve anxiety and inhibitions, and to help couples communicate more effectively about sex.
Stage One: Each of you separately sets aside some time during which you will not be disturbed. Either in a warm bath, using soap or oil, or in a warm bed using lotion to make your hands glide smoothly, massage your body all over.
Starting with the non-sexual areas, explore every inch, discovering what feels particularly and perhaps surprisingly good to you. If you can and want to, masturbate to orgasm. (There is nothing wrong with masturbation. It is a positive help in treating many sexual difficulties.)
Stage Two: In a warm bedroom - with soft lights if possible (but certainly not no lights) a drink to relax you, if that helps, low music, whatever you like - take it in turns to massage one another all over.
Again, start with the non-sexual areas, explore all the body. Experiment with light and firm strokes. Try licking and tasting one another all over. If you feel yourself getting tense or anxious, tell your partner how you are feeling. Try to learn to lie back and let your partner please you. Tell one another what would feel good next.
Stage Three: Just like Stage Two, but now you also move on to the sexual areas. If you both say what you would like, what gives you pleasure, the man may well get an erection. Have the confidence to let it die down again.
If the woman gets very excited caressing her man to erection, he can bring her to climax with caresses of fingers or tongue. Most women find the area around the clitoris - the little peak of tissue in front of the vagina - most sensitive to stimulation. Only after giving one another a lot of pleasure for some time with Stage Three should a couple move on and have intercourse.
Sensate focus exercises also help us give making love greater priority in our life. It’s amazing how many couples would say that making love is or should be one of the most important parts of their relationships, yet actually devote just 20 minutes at the end of the occasional busy day.
Set aside the time to make love properly while you have energy to share and enjoyment to bring. You should practise these sensate focus exercises at least three times a week for an hour.
I hope this helps you intensify the pleasure of your love-making. If you’re suffering particular difficulties, such as finding it hard to reach orgasm, premature ejaculation, erection problems or loss of sex drive, let me know as I can send you one of my free leaflets to help.
· Please email problems@deardeidre.org and I’ll look forward to hearing from you.