The French call it “la petite mort,” or “the little death.” It starts with touch, sensual contact, leading to a quickening, sensual dance that eventually escalates into carnal bliss.
You may know it as an orgasm.
Orgasm. Saying it out loud makes me feel like I should be whispering it like a secret. But let’s face it: orgasms are the most popular “secret” in America. It’s not something we talk about officially, not at school, not at work, certainly not with family. Hell, kids are lucky these days to learn about having safe sex, let alone how to have good sex.
And yet sex is everywhere we look: shirtless, sculpted men on billboards, TV commercials with actresses pouting beside beauty products, ethereally beautiful models draped over perfume bottles in magazines, bathroom stalls covered with dirty limericks.
But the truth is, Americans have a problem with sex. Not doing it, but talking about it. We can watch guts dangling from bellies in war flicks, serial killers severing limbs in a hail of spraying blood, but the second nipples, or even worse, mons pubis, make an appearance, we hide our eyes.
Shoot ‘em up, but don’t shoot it off.
But at a packed orgasm workshop Wednesday night, it was clear to me that more than a few of us really want to know the truth about sex and how to have “the big O.”
All that American reservation toward sex affects foreplay, said Dr. Lindsey Doe, a UM clinical sexologist who taught the workshop.
“We’re told not to. It’s dirty,” Doe said.
But foreplay is the most critical part of sex, she said. The average woman needs about 45 – mark that gentlemen – 45 minutes of sensual escalation to reach orgasm.
And I hate to tell you gents, but most American males are falling short.
“The average American man can supply about two minutes (of foreplay),” Doe said.
Why rush a good thing? Sure, hot, hard and fast has its moments, but the simple truth is women need a little more time. Doe said 70 percent of women do not orgasm from intercourse alone.
“It’s about the clitoris,” Doe said, adding that the clitoral orgasm is the most common female orgasm.
The blame isn’t entirely with men, though. Females are ultimately responsible for their own pleasure, Doe said.
“You give yourself that orgasm,” she said. “Even if you feel like you’re losing control, you’re giving yourself that orgasm.”
Getting over “the wall,” as Doe calls achieving orgasm, requires learning about our bodies, about our responses to touch, and psychologically about accepting what’s happening to us.
That’s right, ladies. If you’re searching for your pleasure, just start exploring, touching, masturbating. This teaches you what you like, and in turn you can teach your likes to your partner.
Because here’s the good news: we have a treasure trove of pleasure-getting available to us. We can have clitoral, G-Spot, cervical, and anal orgasms – just to start. We can also have serial orgasms, one after another after another after another … and so on. The sky’s the limit.
And I’ve got a ladies-only party favor for you: a trigasm. That’s right, you read me right - a trigasm, where three different types of orgasms occur simultaneously. Although it’s rare, and comes only with practice and self-awareness, we can cream ourselves right over “the wall.”
Women of the world, don’t be afraid of your sexuality. It doesn’t make you a whore to enjoy sex. Even if you only have sex with one partner, you should be comfortable and aware of your sexuality. It can only enhance your partner’s experience if you’re seeing stars right along with them. As many types of orgasms as there are, as many types of sensual pleasure, it all comes down to what we personally need and want.
“Your vulvas are as unique as your faces,” Doe said.
We have no problem staring at our faces in mirrors, painting our lips, blushing our cheeks, mimicking all of those sexy images that surround us. If we’re going to spend the time making ourselves look sexy, why should we be afraid to learn how to orgasm?
The next time you feel that feminine inclination to reach for chocolate, which triggers the same part of the brain as an orgasm, try masturbating instead.
For women interested in further exploring their sexuality, Doe will be offering a special women’s workshop Nov. 5 in the University Center.
laura.barnes@umontana.edu